why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

It's time that we fix a flaw in our mental health model: its denial of personal responsibility. How much time did it waste away? With the first one, you have empathy and are kind to those in your life, but you know that you can't make them happy at their core. My parents followed me all around the country until my ex got a job offer in NYC..that's when they moved to FL since they couldn't afford to live back East. Talking to your wife will, in my opinion, benefit both of you as you work through this. I understand feeling like you want to run away and feeling the weight of being responsible for your parent's happiness. Tweet: Theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems. We were married for 18 years, together 25 but he was very depressive, quite angry sometimes and I got fed up walking on eggshells. You might also like to check out my Living with Ease courseor visit mySelf-Care Shop. Youll be able to show up for them when theyre ready to show up for themselves. Remember to breathe and to stay open and loving toward your partner. Anyway, dad passed in 2015 and mom is still alive & living in the same ALF, going downhill faster than a bowling ball on an ice covered mountain. And you're not responsible for his happiness or life satisfaction. See what you gain and what you lose from trusting in such a core belief. When you try to change someone youre effectively saying that you know what is best for them. All these typical situations are within your circle of control, at least partially if not completely. Send them a lot of love, set positive intentions for them and speak positively about them when youre not with them. Happiness is inside you, or it does not exist at all. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. She makes me mad. Brrr. Curious? So if you dont want to keep your partner and your loved ones undifferentiated, and if you want to grow, then remember that you are not responsible for their feelings. Best wishes! How to Stop the Misery: Decide to change and make a plan. Do you really believe youre in charge and that your worry can change anything? Rich people in idillic enviable lives can be depressed, as proven by the not too unusual celebrity overdose or suicide. Assael trains and lectures internationally about therapy, relationships and improvisation. Talk to her MD about her destructive behavior and see if he can't give her an antidepressant. I will go and borrow the book from my library today, that sounds great. And all the rest of the BS 24/7. It seems like it is your husband who misunderstands. That is unavoidable and natural. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. I am now having anxiety attacks worrying about them an trying to figure out how to help them. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that focuses on our thoughts and actions, is effective in reducing the anxiety caused by responsibility for others' happiness. Any suggestions? Answer: Dear Bewildered, I suggest you both read the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. Misery-Maker 5: Blaming other people and situations for things you can control or passively accepting what you could change. You feel you're responsible for your parents' marital conflicts. Assael Romanelli, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker and a licensed couple and family therapist based in Israel. When you try to fix someone else, you just get in the way of their potential to experience this miracle. As long as she is safe and getting her medical and physical needs met, whatever else you offer her is your choice. But the truth is we cant control everything. I help deep thinking, heart-centered people find greater ease emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You can release the need to be responsible for another persons happiness. With me changing they changed and after time b/c they couldn't push the same buttons the had before. Please don't give up! When our daughter argues with her, I get triggered and upset. I am their POA. You stop listening from a comfortable, open position because once you start hearing your partners pain, you immediately start thinking, What did I do this time? Why cant I? Everyone else seems just fine but me.. Tanya J. Petersonis the author of numerous anxiety self-help books, including The Morning Magic 5-Minute Journal, The Mindful Path Through Anxiety, 101 Ways to Help Stop Anxiety, The 5-Minute Anxiety Relief Journal, The Mindfulness Journal for Anxiety, The Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety, and Break Free: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 3 steps. Finally, if someone you love does come to you asking for help, there are some resources you can share. Then we suffer if we cant. Use a little bit of his empty shelf space for a few of your things, finish the show you're watching when he comes in the room, etc. Mental health is not hard . It can actually feel like something you physically drag around. I had to liquidate all of their assets, put them in my name, and take over their financial care as well as everything else. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you cant control. I know this one well. Now I feel those shackles back on me. AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. you need to start living your OWN life too! Why do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings? | You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. A like-minded woman who empowers . But we have to be careful, because theres a fine line between supporting others and trying to fix them. You deserve to continue building a dynamic life with your husband and friends, and to develop your career. And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage. Misery-Maker 6: Creating suffering through bad habits and addictions. Threatening suicide is "Emotional Blackmail." 2. Gordon, L. H. (1996). The weight will be lifted and youll be able to show up for your loved one AND yourself. Misery-Maker 7: Comparing yourself to others. You are responsible FOR your words, choices, dreams, feelings and TO him. Accepting others where they are and forgiving them doesnt mean that you let someone walk all over you. We have to trust that no one will change until they want to be changed. Children who are victims of abusive parents, for instance, often believe that if only they had done x, y, or z, their family would have been just fine. Examples: There was a fiery crash on the interstate. I do what I can, in addition to taking her to doctors, paying all of her bills, orchestrating all of her care, etc etc etc, but in her mind, I don't spend enough time entertaining her, that's the issue. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. Please stop. Im cold. Would I benefit from changing? Then make a plan and tinker with it until you can get it to work. When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. Spirit accepts what is true, which is that we are all love. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. :). Just know you can choose whether to give it power or let it go. Your best interests are not top of her priority list! I am trying to 'fix' my partner in an uncomfortable way, and when he is unhappy or down, I take it all personally, as if it is a reflection on me. Is it? Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! How to Stop the Misery: Change it and you language to I language. And you don't have to try a bunch of stuff at once if it makes you uncomfortable! We come to fear the imagined consequences of this, and we increase our fear and worry with an. Science and Behavior Books. Counselors told us to pull back, only visit her once a week, and to leave when the conversation gets ugly. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from our past. Tanya is a Diplomate of the American Institution of Stress helping to educate others about stress and provide useful tools for handling it well in order to live a healthy and vibrant life. We need more complexity and more depth. Am I a terrible person? What do I need to do now? I watched Queen Victoria's Children, in three parts, on Youtube. How to tell between BPD behaviors and dementia behaviors? AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. 4. How to stop the misery: When your fantasies threaten to ruin your emotional health, neutralize them by murmuring these words: Just thoughts. Realizing that your fantasies are not realities will help you separate from them, as if standing to one side. Does this belief govern your life and well-being as well? spirituality, Blogs You've got great insight and motivation -- two of the most important ingredients for making positive changes. Oh my, your situation sounds a lot like mine. You need to work on setting boundaries and when she starts that crap, leave the room and quit taking it. You'll probably find this scenario quite common. 6. Do you often try to help your friends, family members, or even coworkers or acquaintances fix their problems? Well, I don't HAVE any friends! This can be really hard at times, especially if youre a nurturing person or just deeply love the person whos struggling. However the converse is important. Reviewed by Abigail Fagan. If you would like to soften (or change) this core belief, share this article with your loved one, so you have a common language and understanding, and set a time to have a mindful, calm talk. Youll feel immediate relief. At least that will help YOU deal with the guilt a bit more. I am caretaker and my parents (and I) are in a health crisis. You can watch the original video I recorded below, and keep reading for a breakdown of what I teach in it (plus new lessons). This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast 43 12 12 comments Best lovelydelusion 4 yr. ago Don't forget to care about yourself. spirituality, Gut Health: My Experience with SIBO, Gut Inflammation, GERD and Stress, Blogs Hi Laurel, But just remember that you cant coax, guilt or force anyone to take action. Habits do involve thoughts and feelings (very much so), but they also are strongly behavior-oriented. Tell her it is for her blood pressure, because it will help that too. You feel its your fault when other people feel bad. How to Honor Your Feelings. Getting to know her personally has been inspiring. Again, huge thanks for taking the time to reply to this question and for your caring response. Scribe Publications. How did it feel? One is an article on how to find mental health help, and the other is a list of hotline numbers. One of the practices is a beautiful prayer that will help you release the desire to fix someone or be responsible for their happiness. In reply to I was abused by my mother. His therapist has been trying to get him to understand that he can't be responsible for anyone else's emotions or happiness and he's interpreted it to mean he's free to do and say whatever he wants without consideration of how his actions are affecting others. You cant control the weather, the genes you were born with, diseases that have no cure, or the fact that you are getting older. I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. Photo by Luke Pennystan on Unsplash. Find her on her website, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. By consistently practicing to accept someone where they are and see them with compassion, you realign with your true love nature. Thank you for a great article. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. Keep an open mind. You may present yourself in one way when you actually feel a different way underneath. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. This dynamic keeps the relationship poorly differentiated. Its also an indicator of the way our moods can constantly be swinging up and down as externals change. Your responses assure me that it's OK to be happy and leave the dark cloud to hang out in the air alone while I do so. The other you simply cannot. People who can grow from their setbacks are more likely to succeed and to feel better about themselves. If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, youll never enjoy the sunshine.Morris West. I should be able to handle this. Its impossible for you to be responsible for everything because of interdependence. Feeling solely responsible for the happiness of others, no matter how well-intended, causes anxiety. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Just like you, others are subject to a complex set of causes and conditions so nothing is entirely their fault. When they do, get up and get out. What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? As an adult, I feel responsible for my wife's happiness. I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. How to Change Your Diet So That You Have Fun and Feel Good! SHE is the queen and should be chauffeured around, yada yada. You are not a sole agent working exclusively under your own power. 4 Ways to Handle It, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer, Mind-Reading and Projecting in Social Anxiety, 12 Lies Anxiety Tells You That Keep You Anxious and Fearful, How to Stop Worrying About Mistakes and Reduce Anxiety, HONcode standard for